Useless Google Support

At apple you have to be a Genius, At Google you only have to have a pulse, and that is optional.

I've been having a problem with Google Adwords these last 3 weeks in that they forced me to do some sort of data migration and now I can't access my Adwords account. The ads are still running,  I am still being billed, but I can't get in to edit my ads or look at my billing. I just got off the phone with them for the 8th time in 2 weeks and I'm pretty sure it ended with mutual fuck yous. The first 7 calls I was nice. #8, not so much.

Look, we all know I have a short temper to begin with and an extremely low tolerance for stupid people, so when you combine that with multiple calls that go nowhere things are bound to end badly. Here's how it went for 45 minutes:

Me: Hi I'm hoping you can help me. I can't access my ad words account and the number of the department that you told me to call last time requires a pin number for me to get past the first menu, but because I can't access my account I can't get a pin number.

Google: You'll need the pin number to get through.

Me: Riiiight. But I don't have access to my account so I can't get the pin number.

Google: Well you'll have to get it. Go to blah blah blah and retrieve it from there

I enter all this stuff and guess what, NO ACCESS TO THIS ACCOUNT!

Google: Well there's nothing else I can do for you.

Me: Could you put through to a manager please?

Google: We don't have managers.

Me: Google doesn't have managers?

Google: That's right.

Me: Well you and I both know that's a lie. I watch CNBC and in their Google documentaries they talk to managers of various departments so....

Silence from Google.

Me: Ok, can you send me a copy of my bill for the last 2 months then.

Google: That information is in your account

Me: And I thought we had determined that I don't have access to my account

Google: You'll have to call that phone # you were given.

Me: The one that requires the pin that I don't have because I can't access my account? You do understand that if I had the pin I would have access to my account and I wouldn't be calling you, right? So what can you help me with if you can't help me get access to my account which I've had problem with for 3 years and you can't help me with my billing?

Google: There's nothing I can do for you.

Me: So you just answer the phone but can't actually do anything  to help anyone? That doesn't make sense, that would mean you're literally getting paid to do nothing.  Ok, so you're still billing me, so can you suspend my account until we get this worked out?

Google: You can do that within your account.

Me: You're kidding, right? Have you not heard me say that I don't have access to my account?

Google: I can't help you.

Me: So in a multi-billion dollar company like Google who employs the greatest technology people in the world, present company excluded, you're telling me that a tiny 2 person company has stumped the fuck out of you and we're just supposed to keep paying for something that we have no access and no control over? Well I guess I know how you've made your billions, I should set up my business like that. Isn't it illegal for you to be billing me and not provide an invoice?

Google: I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.

Me: So you work at Google, but you can't call any other department at Google, is that what you're telling me?

Google: That's right. I would call the same number that you would.

Me: So if you mom worked in another Google department and you needed to get in touch with her, you couldn't just call her?

Google: Well, um, I...

Me: So you can call other departments, you just don't want to.

Google: I can't help you.

Now by this time I'm wondering wouldn't it just be a whole fuck of a lot easier to just connect me to the fucking department I need to fix my problem? At this point I'm just being an asshole and wasting her time and mine to try and get her to use her brain and break from the script and try to actually help me. This goes on for 40 mins until I decide that I'm hungry enough to tell her to eat a shit sandwich and hang up.

Now I have to wait 2-5 business days from a senior support person (who is not a manager. By God do NOT call them a manager!) too see if they can use their brain and figure this out. In the meantime, I just hope to hell I don't rack up too much of an invoice because as I mentioned, I don't have access to my account to change it. Oh, and fuck you Google you useless pieces of shit, I hope I ruined your weekend!

A Brief Vacation Recap So As To Not Bore You To Death

Well, it's been about a year or so since I wrote but hey, good things come to those who wait, right? Well if that is true it's your lucky day!

I just got back from vacation and as usual I'm sick as hell. Oh well, it was totally worth it.

It's been over 3 years since I have been to Texas and seen my friends there and although I didn't get to see everyone, I did get a good dose of crazy Texans in my 4 day visit (I'm looking at you Fanatics!). We got in 5 hours late but did manage to get out to Freiheit Country Store for NYE celebrations with the gang - Carolyn, A.L., Martha, Mikey, Chase, Bruce and Laurie. Jason Allen was playing and yes, there were black eyed peas at midnight so I'm good to go for luck this year (although I did have to steal them from BF's bowl since they were gone by the time my mom and I made it to the food table). It was a short but great night and as you can see my friends took full advantage of the BYOB! (We need this in Alberta. We really need this).



The next day we went to Gruene and met up with Gem and my mom deemed that "she is a nice girl" so we were allowed to go to Steamboat with her. I guess I won't tell my mom the SB stories, otherwise I might not be allowed to hang out with sweet little Gem anymore. ha ha!

While in Texas we also went up to Canyon Lake and BF made we walk across the damn dam. As you know, I don't care for exercise and I even purposely wore non-walking shoes but we finally agreed that we would go half way (which was still a 1 mile round trip) and that I would get ice cream after. And a foot massage. I still pouted the whole time.

The next day we went into San Antonio - through the ghetto I might add - and went to the Alamo and the Riverwalk. My mom was distraught that we only spent an hour at the Alamo but she has been 10 times before and will be going at least 2 more times this year so I'm sure she'll get over it. This pic is BF and I in front of the Alamo, but we kind of blend in with the doors - that's weird because fat chicks don't usually blend in with anything (obviously this is my new favorite place to take a picture).

After 5 days in glorious Texas we gathered up our snow suits and headed for Colorado for The Musicfest in Steamboat. We met Gem and Shelly in Denver where we found the most amazingly fancy Target store ever and where we also discovered that buying groceries for 5 people isn't as easy as just making a list. We made it through shopping without killing each other (barely) and then headed up to Steamboat. Now, this is my 3rd trip there but my first time driving and I have to say that it is a beautiful drive even with no snow. Seriously, there was no snow in Steamboat! It was well above freezing and brooks that shouldn't have been babbling were. It did snow one night so BF got to take a ski lesson (I didn't ski. I was going to but being from Alberta I wasn't going to ski on shitty man made snow, I'm better than that!). This pic is BF when he fell on the bunny hill and had to wait for the instructor to come and tell him how to get up all while a group of little twerps went gliding by. I laughed because I am a mean girlfriend. 

This is our condo "family"; Me, BF, Sarah, Shelly and Gem. You're probably thinking "why would BF subject himself to being trapped in a condo in a foreign country with 4 women?" The answer is we roofied him so he wouldn't know what was going on.

These condos are owned by people like you and me (if you and I had money to buy a ski in condo in Colorado, that is) and they had their creepy family pictures on display for all of the visitors through the year to look at. So being the smart asses we are, we decided to add our picture to their collection, Cosby Show style!

The rest of the time in Steamboat was full of beveraging, tromping from one show to another and trying to get extra shampoo from the front desk guy (mission completed).

I'll recap the actual music part of Musicfest in a separate post because not everyone will care and let's be honest, that may never happen anyway.

All you really need to know is that BF and I didn't kill each other on our first ever major vacation and that I got to do this whenever I wanted.

TV Time - How I Would Fix Big Brother

I haven’t blogged in a while because I’m so popular and wanted in so many different places that I’ve just been too busy. Ok, we all know that’s not true – I’ve been sitting my fat ass on the couch and watching what I’d like to vent about today – Big Brother.

I’ve watched Big Brother from day one. There have been people I really liked (Chicken George, Evil Dick, Dr. Will) and some that I literally hate (Brenchel, Jesse, and yes, even Jeff). After 13 seasons though I think the show is worn out and in need of a MAJOR revamp and this is how I think it should be done (CBS, I’m available for hire!):

The Players: No more “veterans” and “newbies”. Do either or but not both. This season has been the biggest snoozefest EVER. Even the newbs are boring – where are the huge blow outs? The all night parties? Would a little creativity kill these people??? Go back to getting clashing personalities and for goodness sake give them more booze! The drunker the better (for viewers anyway).

HOH – It’s time to make this more interesting. Don’t make it a competition every week, mix it up with that, a luck of the draw and America’s choice. Oh, and don’t tell them until right before what it is gong to be. Can you imagine how much crazier it would be the viewers got to play the game with them? Also, they should have to make decisions that will piss people off every week – like choosing the have-nots and appointing someone to be their personal assistant for the week. Oh yes, make them pick someone to be their cook, do their laundry and clean up anything in the house that needs it. That would definitely start some fights or at the very least get some emotion going.

Nominations – I’m so over the way it is done now. If you follow the live feeds at all you always know who is going up before it happens. And the constant stream of people wanting to cut deals they are never going to live up to is just silly. Again, I would bring in an America’s vote a few times, at other times I would make them name the nominations immediately after winning HOH so there can’t be any discussions and for other weeks the HOH  should have to make the nominations in secret in the diary room and they can’t be revealed until it is time to vote. Oh, and if they were revealed, the HOH would automatically go up as well. How crazy would that be???? I know, you are amazed at my brilliance.

The Power of Veto – I hate this part of the game. I don’t mind when someone gets back doored, but usually this is just another snoozefest. Again, this needs to be mixed up – some weeks can be competition as usual, some should be comps played by only those who are not HOH or nominated, some should be a blind draw and some weeks should be no veto at all making the nominations stand as is. And once again, no one should know what is going to happen from week to week – keep them guessing until the last minute and really make them play the game!

Evictions – I would bring back the viewer voting. People are so much more invested in a show when they get to make the decisions and it would throw a kink in the game if the houseguests didn’t know from week to week if they or America would be voting.

Have-Nots – I am over the whole “slop” thing, aren’t you? Make this more interesting by knowing what each houseguests favourite foods are and other things that they can’t live without and take those away. Yes, they can have hard beds but they should also have cold showers, eat only bran flakes and they should have to cook every meal for the Havs. Payback here would be a bitch!

The Feeds - I would also put the 24/7 feeds back to free, but we all know that will NEVER happen, so I’ll just leave it.

There are some other elements that I would add, like the ability for the house guests to request that the truth be told via a replay of a conversation. I would allow each house guest this privilege twice per season and if not such conversation existed, they would be told that too. Catching people in their lies is so much fun, why not create some more drama in the house? Also, I would send everyone who is evicted to another house for the rest of the summer – no one goes home until the end and we can watch them figure out things as another person enters. Fun, right? Now, if they really wanted to get crazy, have 2 houses start out with the same # of people, and then merge them at the halfway point and see what happens – just like survivor only they would never expect it! And how do you get them down to the numbers needed? An eviction a day until they get down to jury #’s. Oh yes, this could work!

Oh there is one last thing, the host. I don’t know of anyone who actually likes Chenbot, but she has got to go. She has been awful from DAY ONE yet here she is, 13 seasons later still doing an believably bad job. If there was ever a marriage I wanted to break up it is hers so that she would get the boot. If they had someone who was really into the show as the host it would be so much better. They could ask the GOOD questions and maybe even interact with fans. I wouldn’t be opposed to previous house guests doing it, as long as it isn’t some losers like Brenchel. Pick people who can actually string an intelligent sentence together and who other people, viewers included, can stand to watch.

So that’s it, that is how I would fix this show that I used to love but now just annoys me with the repetitive garbage we’re watching this summer.

What do you think?

People Really Are This Stupid

Well that's a piss off, my last blog post isn't here. I wrote it, I posted it and now it isn't here. Sometimes I really hate technology.

Anyway, I just had to share this whole new level of stupidity I've seen today. As you know, I'm on the condo board for my building and part of my responsibilities are to monitor the website and email for question, concerns, inquiries.  90 percent of the people in my building don't understand the difference between the board and the property manager so we'll get emails about the garage door not working or they need a new fob becuase they lost their.- all service/maintenance things that that the PM takes care of. The board only enforced bylaws and directs the PM where to spend money when necessary.
Needless to say, I get annoyed with dumbos at the best of times, but today someone actually emailed the condo board to tell us the 2nd floor smelled like smoke/fire. Emailed. The Board. Didn't call the fire dept or anything! The best part is we don't check the email all the time, not even every day. I just happened to see it as I was logging in for something else and I actually had to log out and log back in because I couldn't really believe that someone could be this retarded.
So how do you even respond to that kind of email? I want to say "well I guess since the building hasn't burnt down you were wrong this time" or what's more likely is "are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Are you really that moronic that although you were concerned enough to think there might be a fire you only wanted to let the board know a day or two later and not the fire dept now?" This person either needs to have 24/7 special assistance care or needs to be evicted so that I don't have to deal with their stupid ass.

In other news, the new high school across the street is almost done. This is good news and bad news. The good: fewer big noisy trucks interrupting my lunchtime patio naps; less dirt and dust piling up on my furniture, entertainment in the upcoming school year - you know I'm going to be yelling at kids to GET OFF MY LAWN! And now the bad: bigger line ups at 7-11 (this is really going to piss me off), more garbage everywhere and more complaints from residents in the building about the hooligans smoking on our property. Hey, if all they are doing is smoking cigarettes I will be happy.
I have one more year here, making it 6 years and the longest I have ever stayed in one place. There is a 50/50 chance I will snap and kill a kid before my lease it up and if do end up in jail please bring me some mini eggs.

Bye Bye Bin Laden, But.....

This is how it started for me tonight:

xritaballoux Rita B.

Ok, is Osama Bin Laden dead or not? I hope he is but I hope they don't break into the Celebrity Apprentice to report it...

I too was watching Celebrity Apprentice and hoping that Nene would lay a full out beat down on Star Jones complete with chair breaking over her head. And then Twitter blew up with the news that he was dead and all I could think was that he'll still be dead in 15 minutes, just please don't interrupt my show!

So after Hope was fired I flipped to CNN and watched Wolf Blitzer talk so much that I was thought he was going to pass out from excitement. I bet he gets boners over this stuff. As we were all waiting for Obama to come out and give the official news, you could see America go from "right on!" to "America, Fuck Yeah! No one beats us!" - of course say this from the outside looking in and that's just how it appears to me. Look, I get that you're happy and you should be, but celebrating this dickheads death in the streets is no different than when there were pictures of people in the middle east celebrating the deaths of those killed on 9/11. It just pisses off those who are against you and could make them more eager to come back and hurt you again. Please be careful America, pride is one thing, don't let it be more.

I thought Obama's speech was ok, but he was clearly trying to take credit for this to boost his re-election bid next year. Maybe it's because I don't like the guy to begin with, but there was too much "I" when it should have been all about the military men and women who made this happen.

So anyway, doesn't anyone else think that Bin Laden was already dead or pretty close to anyway? He was on dialysis, of course he wasn't hiding out in caves! I kind of think that he was only the figurehead leader and that someone else has been running the show for awhile now. Why am I being a buzzkill? I'm just not convinced that killing him will bring any sort of peace - there are just so many other nut jobs out there waiting to take his spot and become famous for all of the wrong reasons.

This tweet says it perfectly:

KaraBranton kara

Yes, Osama Bin Laden is dead, but it is the ideology, not the man, that was the problem. An idea is A LOT harder to kill than a person.

Also, they say that they took a DNA test to be sure that it was him that they killed. They can get the results in a day? And will it be an episode on Maury?

I'm just so glad this news didn't break during the Royal Wedding, it was bad enough that it nearly ruined the end of the Apprentice. Don't mess with my Sunday night TV dammit!

And my final thought on this - the news broke on Twitter. Not on TV and not on Facebook, on Twitter. That is why I tweet folks (and obsessively check it) because when shit goes down, it's on Twitter first.


Twitter highlights after the announcement that Bin Laden is dead:

PaulTrigg Paul Triggian:

#Osama bin Laden was killed in a mansion. Now we have to determine who did it, in which room and with what object.

 

SchultzWeather Andrew Schultz

Holy crap....just turned on the TV....SHOCKED....McDonald's is offering $1 drinks - any drink, any size - all summer long.

 

GoodHustle The Jarv

How drunk is George W getting tonight?

 

Jesus_M_Christ Jesus Christ

The Devil is officially pissed. He had to leave a fiddlin' competition down in Georgia early to file is Osama paperwork.

 

GhostOsama Osama Bin Laden

Well this sucks...I accidentally enabled location on my tweets.

 

jperrotto John Perrotto

They should have captured Bin Laden alive and made him continually go through airport security for the rest of his life.

 

sfabobby03 sfabobby03

This new found Patriotism people are experiencing should last for a couple weeks. Or until the iPhone 5 comes out, of whichever is first.

 

NZAfro Adam Hendra

R.I.P Osama Bin Laden - World Hide And Go Seek Champion (2001 - 2011)

 

ctoverdrive Connor Turner

RT @the_drewbo: So... no one wants to hear about this awesome salad I just made?

“@hangarcat: SEE?!?! I told you... RT @seanmalarkey: BREAKING NEWS: Chuck Norris returns from secret trip to Pakistan.”

 

ourmaninchicago Scott Smith

Years from now people will say "Where were you when you heard Twitter knew more about breaking news than Wolf Blitzer?"

 

IUtnL GL

I will never forget where I was when I heard Wolf Blitzer tell me I would never forget where I was when I heard that Bin Laden was dead.

 

Sydney_Barton Sydney Barton

Yo, Osama bin Laden: I’m really happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but Waldo played the best game of hide and seek of all time.

 

Brian_GriffinFG Brian Griffin

BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump demands Osama Bin Laden's death certificate.