Food and Wine Festival Round Up

So my little buddy died this weekend. Steve and I have been together for 10 years and he's taking a lot of my secrets to birdie heaven with him. He left behind his long term girlfriend, Elaine, who is none to pleased with his disappearance and is letting me know all day long. Poor girl, doesn't she know her constant nagging is what drove him to the grave???

In other news, I played in my first official curling game on Friday night and we only lost 11-2. That's an improvement over our last game loss of 17-1 (I didn't play in that one though). At one point during the game DE, who was skipping for us this game, comes up to me and says "J and B are throwing really great shots". Message received, thanks asshole! We're hoping that this week we can keep the other team to 10 points or less. Or maybe, just maybe, we could pull off a win (if the other team doesn't show up we win, and we'll take it!). We should fare better when we get moved down to the bottom division, we're good at dominating other teams of assholes.

Saturday was the Rocky Mountain Food and Wine Festival. This had disaster potential written all over it given it was BC, TB and I to start with and then BF and AM joined us later. Our first trip around was pretty much in line with the rest of the snobs there - we tasted different wines and checked out which foods we would try later in hopes that they would soak up the booze. I was actually looking for a specific wine I had tried last year but couldn't remember the name of so every table I was asking "do you have a spicy white wine?" and they would proceed to give me free samples to see if that's what I was looking for. TB blew my cover about halfway through - hey it's not my fault if I can work the system for free wine!
During our second round we added in a few more beers and began drinking much faster and I did yell at TB once ( I was just trying to yell at her before she yelled at me, as she inevitably does when we're out). BF joined us and he immediately starts double fisting the tiny beers - "Steam Whistle is the New Co-op!" he declared, referencing Beerfest earlier this year when he drank so much cheap co-op beer that they actually cut him off. Our third round is where things really picked up. AM made his way down from work (super nerd!) and jumped right in on the shots with us. We finally decided that it was time to dive into the Absinthe, which will now forever be known as "assmouth" thanks to AM, and 4 shots later we were all feeling pretty damned invincible. It was at this time that Tabby asked me why I wasn't wearing a Bumpit and I told her because they are for white trash and I will not make it that easy for people to identify me. BF then pipes in and says "What's wrong with bunk beds? R and I had them when we were kids". Oh drunk BF, you are so goofy, we said BUMPIT, not BUNKBED!
Big Rock saved us at the end of the night when we still had tickets left and they let us cash them all in for a bunch of beers which we shot like water before we headed to the casino. There wasn't too much more excitement there, BC made new friends as usual, BF went home not long after we got there and for once we all made money when we finally rolled out of there at 2am. I left with $225 which was enough to pay for my night so I was happy - plus I like having $100 bills in my wallet, it makes me feel like I'm more important than I am (insert rolly eyes here).

Oh I forgot, we totally got reverse rascismed on Sat night! AM, our token Asain, called to tell us he was there and we waited and we waited and when he finally showed up we asked him the heck took him so long? His answer: "You try finding you four white people in here". We look around, pretty much everyone was groups of 4 white people. ha ha!

Random thoughts:
Our civic election was yesterday and for the first time ever my guy won! He's only 3 years older than me which makes me think what the hell am I doing with my life when this guy is mayor and I was sitting on the couch eating cookies watching him become mayor.

I'm still going to they gym and I still hate it. I wish my fellow fatties would come out and try to get healthier with me, it's getting to the point where I might have to start snapping the skinny twigs in half just to slow them down a little.

I figured out why I'm scared of Spiders - they move way faster than me and I don't like that

Miners, Diners and Whiners

I've just spent the last 24 hours watching the Chilean miners be rescued. This is the most amazing thing I think I've ever seen and looking at this rescue should give everyone some perspective on life. My only concern is that they are so happy about bringing the miners home that they are going to forget about the rescue workers and they are going to have to live underground. Also, the Chilean Mining Minister is kind of hot.

So how was your Thanksgiving long weekend? Mine was pretty good. I didn't over stuff myself on turkey dinner for the first time EVER and I saved my sister's dog from certain death (She will in fact eat anything, anytime, anywhere). We had dinner at my parents place, and seriously, immediately after dinner everyone else went downstairs and watched TV (read: fell asleep) while my mom and I cleaned up (I'm not going to lie, she cleaned up). My parents are heading down to Texas for the winter in a couple of weeks so now I wonder, where are all of us kids going to eat on weekends for the next 6 months??? Moms diner is the only place I can afford these days.

Sat was also my brother's 40th bday party and in order to avoid a break up BF and I decided it would be best for us to cab it to and from so that we could both drink. I was going to drink anyway, really it was just him who would have to be DD - now do you see why I don't have my licence? hee hee. The party was a good time. We went through 2 bottles of Jager and my brother was passed out shortly after 11pm. I think the excitement of recieving that new walker (with seat and brakes!) really wore him out.

So we never made it to the corn maze, which was pretty disappointing to me (yeah, I whined about it several times), but everyone (except me and BF) were hungover disasters so it was probably best to not scare the small children by us showing up looking like death. Right? Next year for sure though - BF and I already have plans for a milk off (they have fake cows) and I'm sure the corn cannon will produce some sort of a story that will be turned into a PSA.

This week I play my first curling game. We've had 3 practices but I'm still concerned that we might not make the Olympics any time soon. Maybe we should play for another country, like Albania or Nigeria - I bet one of those Nigerian Prince's could sponsor our team! I wish I could get some video of us in action because I usually fall over and my sister is SO cranky and swears like a trucker for the whole 2 hours, it's actually quite comical. We did get matching jackets though, so at least we will look like we're supposed to be on the ice.

Random thougts:
It's almost time to get my annual smelly pine cones for the Fall/Winter season. They are the closest thing I have to a plant - A bowl full of brown, dead useless plant.
I was sure I saw a UFO last week. For the 4th time in my life. No anal probes yet.
Civic election on Monday - Only losers don't vote. Don't be a loser! In case you care, I'm voting for Nenshi - I think he is the best choice to take this city and move it forward and the least likely to spend city $'s on hookers and blow.
Nickels annoy me.

Bitches, Ditches and Stitches

Nothing really exciting has been going on around her and I don't want to blog just to take up space so that's why I haven't posted in a while But here's the roundup:.

BC and a couple other "friends" went out on a Sat night a couple of weeks ago and the other two ending up ditching us. Really? Who does that? No courtesy text that they were leaving, nothing. Yeah, that's what I call a friend! BC and I ended up getting separated and didn't know the other 2 had left so it was a disaster all around. The 15 jager bombs he and I had probably didn't help and we're quite sure we were probably 2 feet apart, walking around in circles looking for other but we never met up again. Ranchman's can be a confusing place when you're smashfaced, wearing eye patches and being hit on by Captain Morgan. At the end of the day, I've decided to cull my friend list. When I can't support you're actions and am embarrassed of your behavior it's time to call it quits. Life's too short to be a bitch or be treated like a piece of shit and neither of the girls cared anyway.

BF and I went to the Palomino to see Hayes Carll a couple of weeks ago and it was great. The only shitty thing about that venue is that it is in the basement and there are only about 20 chairs and 6 tables for 200 people. Now I'm not a stander, so thank goodness we got in line early and BF scored us the last table and last 2 chairs in the joint (they were plastic lawn chairs but that suited me just fine). I also noticed that both exits were in the same location so if there was a fire (which I was sure there was going to be) we were all going to die. We didn't die, but I'm still a little uneasy about that set up.They have a nice big bar with fast service and the bathrooms were big and fairly clean (bathrooms are very important to me. I can't go into dirty public bathrooms because my head spins out of control with that must have happened to get it that dirty and what diseases I am sure to leave with).

I went with my mom to some sort of crafting/quilting show at the Round Up Center and found some neat new projects that I will work on never. I bought some more fabric for a quilt that will not see the light of day and got excited about scrapbooking projects that I have no intention of starting (or finishing).

We (my family and our SO's) have also started curling on Friday nights. So far we've had 2 practices and 1 game and the only Olympics we'll be making are the Special ones, although if you know my family that sounds about right. Our dad is coaching us but he laughs at us more than anything (even though he says we've improved already). You may be asking yourselves, why curling? Well, it only takes 2 hours, the whole family can participate and it's in the rules that you have to go for drinks after every game with the team you played. For reals! Also, throwing rocks on ice, how could that possibly go wrong????

Other than that, it's been all quiet on the home front. We have s few things going on this weekend that may be fun to report back. Want a hint? Corn Cob launcher. Oh yeah!

I Heart Chickens

So we didn't make it to the football game. The weather was too iffy and  I refused to sit in bleacher seats so we watched the game at my brother's place and had cake and ice cream for dinner. I also had cake for breakfast this morning becuase I thought I started at the gym this week. Turns out it's not until next week, so I'll be shovelling chocolately treats in as much as I can until the gym torture begins again. I hate the gym, but you'll hear more about that at a later date.

On Sunday I met BC for coffee and umbrella shopping before we found a bench to watch the Pride parade. BF decided to stay home and study which was probably for he best since half naked guys dancing on a float to Britney Spears isn't really how he likes to spend a Sunday afternoon...
Things at the parade started out a little shaky when I was getting hit on by more men than BC (see how I clarified it was by men? I wasn't wearing my lesbian shoes for a reason this weekend!) but the tides turned and BC didn't end up having to throw me in a puddle or light a fire for attention. Crisis averted. There was also a fake mustache club...this caught me by surprise because I've wanted to have a  fake mustache party for over a year now - except I don't want to do the same things that these ladies do. Feel free to google it.

So after the parade we made our way down to Olympic Plaza to check out the after parade party and inadvertently ended up IN the parade at one point...but I was just looking for more candy. As we're wandering around we come to a t-shirt booth and I stop, stare and am thoroughly confused at a shirt something like the this (ps - google now thinks I'm a gay man after searching that):

"I *heart* chicken" What? I love chicken but I don't need a shirt advertising it. And what does this have to do with the gays? I don't get it. Wait...chickens...roosters..cock...OMG that's a dirty shirt! I giggled to myself because I'm immature and then laugh at my stupidity. Next year I really think BC needs his own parade float - he could have all of his fag hags with him (he has a harem), Bella (my sister's Chihuahua, not that vampire girl from the stupid movies) could have some sort of a rainbow bed and I'm sure my brother would dress up in drag just for good measure. We need to make this happen people! Oh, BF could drive the truck - there were lots of straight guys driving the trucks/floats because you know that had to be left to either them or the lesbos.

Now, the rest of the weekend was covered by spending time with BF and dog sitting for my neighbor. Turns out, I am NOT a dog person and waking up early on weekends to feed and walk the dog are not my thing. I like to sleep in, make bacon and have naps. I don't like picking up poop, stinky dog breath and dogs who swat my zucchini bread off the counter and eat the whole damn loaf! Dog's mom comes back tonight so my dog sitting days are over.

I'm not sure what's going on this week other than this stupid wedding - some friends of ours are getting married on Saturday and probably divorced on Sunday. This could be a complete gong show so I'll report back if it is, otherwise I'll let you know if I win the divorce pool. They also just decided that it is going to be a toonie bar. Like just decided this week. You can't do that, you have to put that shit on the invitation! I realize $2 is not a big deal, but when you can afford a $40,000 golf membership you can damn well pay for drinks for 60 people at your wedding. Cheap people suck! Out of principal I refuse to spend any money at this shit fiesta so I hope my brother brings a pocket full of toonies to cover me!

I feel like a slurpee. Later skaters!

Pioneers and Rainbows

It's long weekend Friday and I can barely wait until 430pm. Yes, I do work at home and no one would really know whether I cut out early or not, but inevitably if I leave at 4:28 then some panicked client will call at 4:29 and rip me a new asshole. I swear my clients are the only ones who are ever around on long weekends and during Stampede.

So what is everyone doing this weekend? I'm dog sitting for my neighbor so we're staying in town and if the weather is decent (decent meaning not pouring rain and windy) then I want to got to Heritage Park and reminisce about the good ole days of pioneer life - and be thankful I never had to strap a plow to my back and hoe the land. I never would have survived in the olden days - no Starbucks? No feather beds? No M&M's? No doubt I would be the weakest link and be found in a heap of cocoa trying to figure out how to turn into a chocolate bar when I should have been kneading bread or churning butter.

Did I tell you my parents moved back here? I can't remember if I did or not. Anyway, they bought a house in Okotoks and will be living here in the summer and winters in Texas (they have a house there as well). My mother thinks that family dinner once a week is a necessity - I'm not that much into my family and twice a year would suit me fine. So far I've seen them 4 times in 2 weeks - good compromise. Sunday dinner will be at my parents place because as BF puts is "who are we to turn down a free meal when we're poor?". Can't argue that. I'll tell you about my poor ass and my cheap living ways next week. Dide you know you can use 1 ply paper towel as a coffee filter?

My bud spud BC reminded me last night that it is Pride weekend in Calgary and that his people would be taking over the city. I think it was more of a warning to keep BF out of downtown and away from the parade on Sunday. BF is still pretty homophobic (he grew up one of three boys in a small town, what do you expect?) but over the last year he has really lightened up and what started as a tolerance of BC as one of my friends has grown into a genuine friendship with him for which I am thrilled because BC is a very good friend to me, rainbows and all!

Speaking of pride, the very first summer I moved here I spent pride Sunday with a couple of my gaybot friends from Lethbridge who had also moved here and the bar we went to (I want to say Boyztown but I'm really not sure) was a riot! There were drag queens everywhere and this one guy kept hitting on me all night thinking I was one, and no, I was not offended in the least. Those queens put in a lot of prep time and look damn good - all I had was long bleached blond straight hair, real boobs and a sparkle shirt.

Monday is the Labour Day Classic football game which we'll be going to with Tabby. She'll get drunk at yell at me (as usual) and I will try not to get in a fight on the train home. This will be my last football game of the year unless we get an Indian summer - I am not a super fan who bundles up in 20 layers of clothes to watch men in tight pants chase a ball around. I will, however, watch Grey Cup at a bar with lots of  Jager if the Stamps make it that far.

Ok, so that is what I have lined up for the long weekend - hope everyone has a good (and safe) one and I'll let you know how it all ends up.