Friday, February 17, 2012

Useless Google Support

At apple you have to be a Genius, At Google you only have to have a pulse, and that is optional.

I've been having a problem with Google Adwords these last 3 weeks in that they forced me to do some sort of data migration and now I can't access my Adwords account. The ads are still running,  I am still being billed, but I can't get in to edit my ads or look at my billing. I just got off the phone with them for the 8th time in 2 weeks and I'm pretty sure it ended with mutual fuck yous. The first 7 calls I was nice. #8, not so much.

Look, we all know I have a short temper to begin with and an extremely low tolerance for stupid people, so when you combine that with multiple calls that go nowhere things are bound to end badly. Here's how it went for 45 minutes:

Me: Hi I'm hoping you can help me. I can't access my ad words account and the number of the department that you told me to call last time requires a pin number for me to get past the first menu, but because I can't access my account I can't get a pin number.

Google: You'll need the pin number to get through.

Me: Riiiight. But I don't have access to my account so I can't get the pin number.

Google: Well you'll have to get it. Go to blah blah blah and retrieve it from there

I enter all this stuff and guess what, NO ACCESS TO THIS ACCOUNT!

Google: Well there's nothing else I can do for you.

Me: Could you put through to a manager please?

Google: We don't have managers.

Me: Google doesn't have managers?

Google: That's right.

Me: Well you and I both know that's a lie. I watch CNBC and in their Google documentaries they talk to managers of various departments so....

Silence from Google.

Me: Ok, can you send me a copy of my bill for the last 2 months then.

Google: That information is in your account

Me: And I thought we had determined that I don't have access to my account

Google: You'll have to call that phone # you were given.

Me: The one that requires the pin that I don't have because I can't access my account? You do understand that if I had the pin I would have access to my account and I wouldn't be calling you, right? So what can you help me with if you can't help me get access to my account which I've had problem with for 3 years and you can't help me with my billing?

Google: There's nothing I can do for you.

Me: So you just answer the phone but can't actually do anything  to help anyone? That doesn't make sense, that would mean you're literally getting paid to do nothing.  Ok, so you're still billing me, so can you suspend my account until we get this worked out?

Google: You can do that within your account.

Me: You're kidding, right? Have you not heard me say that I don't have access to my account?

Google: I can't help you.

Me: So in a multi-billion dollar company like Google who employs the greatest technology people in the world, present company excluded, you're telling me that a tiny 2 person company has stumped the fuck out of you and we're just supposed to keep paying for something that we have no access and no control over? Well I guess I know how you've made your billions, I should set up my business like that. Isn't it illegal for you to be billing me and not provide an invoice?

Google: I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do.

Me: So you work at Google, but you can't call any other department at Google, is that what you're telling me?

Google: That's right. I would call the same number that you would.

Me: So if you mom worked in another Google department and you needed to get in touch with her, you couldn't just call her?

Google: Well, um, I...

Me: So you can call other departments, you just don't want to.

Google: I can't help you.

Now by this time I'm wondering wouldn't it just be a whole fuck of a lot easier to just connect me to the fucking department I need to fix my problem? At this point I'm just being an asshole and wasting her time and mine to try and get her to use her brain and break from the script and try to actually help me. This goes on for 40 mins until I decide that I'm hungry enough to tell her to eat a shit sandwich and hang up.

Now I have to wait 2-5 business days from a senior support person (who is not a manager. By God do NOT call them a manager!) too see if they can use their brain and figure this out. In the meantime, I just hope to hell I don't rack up too much of an invoice because as I mentioned, I don't have access to my account to change it. Oh, and fuck you Google you useless pieces of shit, I hope I ruined your weekend!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

A Brief Vacation Recap So As To Not Bore You To Death

Well, it's been about a year or so since I wrote but hey, good things come to those who wait, right? Well if that is true it's your lucky day!

I just got back from vacation and as usual I'm sick as hell. Oh well, it was totally worth it.

It's been over 3 years since I have been to Texas and seen my friends there and although I didn't get to see everyone, I did get a good dose of crazy Texans in my 4 day visit (I'm looking at you Fanatics!). We got in 5 hours late but did manage to get out to Freiheit Country Store for NYE celebrations with the gang - Carolyn, A.L., Martha, Mikey, Chase, Bruce and Laurie. Jason Allen was playing and yes, there were black eyed peas at midnight so I'm good to go for luck this year (although I did have to steal them from BF's bowl since they were gone by the time my mom and I made it to the food table). It was a short but great night and as you can see my friends took full advantage of the BYOB! (We need this in Alberta. We really need this).

The next day we went to Gruene and met up with Gem and my mom deemed that "she is a nice girl" so we were allowed to go to Steamboat with her. I guess I won't tell my mom the SB stories, otherwise I might not be allowed to hang out with sweet little Gem anymore. ha ha!

While in Texas we also went up to Canyon Lake and BF made we walk across the damn dam. As you know, I don't care for exercise and I even purposely wore non-walking shoes but we finally agreed that we would go half way (which was still a 1 mile round trip) and that I would get ice cream after. And a foot massage. I still pouted the whole time.

The next day we went into San Antonio - through the ghetto I might add - and went to the Alamo and the Riverwalk. My mom was distraught that we only spent an hour at the Alamo but she has been 10 times before and will be going at least 2 more times this year so I'm sure she'll get over it. This pic is BF and I in front of the Alamo, but we kind of blend in with the doors - that's weird because fat chicks don't usually blend in with anything (obviously this is my new favorite place to take a picture).

After 5 days in glorious Texas we gathered up our snow suits and headed for Colorado for The Musicfest in Steamboat. We met Gem and Shelly in Denver where we found the most amazingly fancy Target store ever and where we also discovered that buying groceries for 5 people isn't as easy as just making a list. We made it through shopping without killing each other (barely) and then headed up to Steamboat. Now, this is my 3rd trip there but my first time driving and I have to say that it is a beautiful drive even with no snow. Seriously, there was no snow in Steamboat! It was well above freezing and brooks that shouldn't have been babbling were. It did snow one night so BF got to take a ski lesson (I didn't ski. I was going to but being from Alberta I wasn't going to ski on shitty man made snow, I'm better than that!). This pic is BF when he fell on the bunny hill and had to wait for the instructor to come and tell him how to get up all while a group of little twerps went gliding by. I laughed because I am a mean girlfriend. 

This is our condo "family"; Me, BF, Sarah, Shelly and Gem. You're probably thinking "why would BF subject himself to being trapped in a condo in a foreign country with 4 women?" The answer is we roofied him so he wouldn't know what was going on.

These condos are owned by people like you and me (if you and I had money to buy a ski in condo in Colorado, that is) and they had their creepy family pictures on display for all of the visitors through the year to look at. So being the smart asses we are, we decided to add our picture to their collection, Cosby Show style!

The rest of the time in Steamboat was full of beveraging, tromping from one show to another and trying to get extra shampoo from the front desk guy (mission completed).

I'll recap the actual music part of Musicfest in a separate post because not everyone will care and let's be honest, that may never happen anyway.

All you really need to know is that BF and I didn't kill each other on our first ever major vacation and that I got to do this whenever I wanted.