Sunday, August 29, 2010

Scald Warning

I had a conference in Lake Louise last week. Rooms at the Chateau were $350/night and up (for a shoebox and no lake view) so I booked at the Deer Lodge which is a 5 min walk down the road and a fraction of the price. I figured by saving $1000 I was a genius but as per usual I was bitch slapped by reality again.
First of all, let me just say that the service at the Deer Lodge is second to none. All of the staff I encountered where genuinely over the top friendly and could teach the staff at the Chateau a thing or two. So I get to my room, which is about 12x12ft and has 2 twin beds. I knew I was getting a twin bed but when I saw it I knew it was going to be a problem because I like to twist, turn and thrash all night and this bed was not going to cut it. I did consider pushing the two beds together but apparently the one upgrade that this place has ever done it so install permanent box bottoms for the beds.
I go into the bathroom to get my paint and primer set up and notice a sign on the sink that says "Scald Warning: We recommend that when using the shower you do not use the sink or the toilet at the same time". Have I stepped into 1945? And how does one get warm water in the sink when the hot and cold taps are separate? At this point I started to panic because this is getting to be too much like camping. And I hate camping.
Since I had the gala and stuff up at the Chateau I didn't realize how "rustic" this place was, but when I got back to the room and got into bed the trouble really started. First, the water from every room ran through the pipes in my room. Then I could hear some couple arguing about what time to get up in the morning. And then the thump thump thump slam! noises of people walking up and down the halls and slamming their doors shut - on all 3 floors. It's 1230, I get up and try to cover the 2 inch gap at the bottom of the door with my suitcase. This will stop the hallway light from coming in and keep out all noise, right?
Stomp stomp stomp slam! beep beep, beep beep (blackberry message on someone's phone likely 6 or 7 rooms away). I'm tossing and turning in my tiny bed watching the time click by until 615 when the people above me decide it's time to get up and have a clogging competition.
Same thing happens the next night and by day 3 I can barely keep my eyes open because of this place which I have decided must be an over priced hostel. Did I mention there were 2 pianos that guests are welcome to play? And that there were many, many guests that took the opportunity to entertain the masses?
When I got home I reralized the true error my ways - I should have gotten smash faced every night and slept in a canoe.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The River Nazi's

It's hot and sunny out (in theory) and I want to float the Elbow river (not the Bow, I don't have a death wish).  I do not, however, want to have to wear a life jacket in 6 inches of water - a tube barely has enough room for my fat ass as it is, never mind trying to squeeze a life jacket in there too.

I can't help but wonder, where did this silly bylaw come from? I bet it was spearheaded by some over protective mother whose nerdy kid lost his glasses while playing in the water and he was so scared to go home without them that he nearly drowned looking for them.

I just can't wrap my head around how I can go to Texas, rent a tube from one of a million tube shops (they even come with plastic bottoms so you don't scrape your ass along the way!) take my beer and float and drink all day and no one seems to die like they are sure to in the Elbow if they aren't squished into a life jacket at all times. Have you never floated in Texas? Well, here is what it looks like on a summer day on the Guadalupe river:

Look at all of those people not wearing life jackets an not drowning right before our eyes! They even rent separate, smaller tubes specifically for coolers - no shit! And everyone (or at least one in every group) gets a mesh bag to put their garbage in so the river isn't full of floating trash. Genius!

And now here is a summer day on the Elbow:

Yup, I can see how we are all gonna die right there.

Look, I'm not saying it should be a complete free for all, but what about life jackets for 16 and under? Or even 18 and under? Just let the adults make their own decisions - I don't have to wear my life jacket when I'm in a speed boat on a lake, why do I have to wear one on the dribble river? I'm even fine with the no booze on the water - that definitely cuts down on the jackassery and helps to keep it a family activity (although I hate families and wish we could banish parents and their children to outdoor pools where they can scream and piss in the water all they want and I never have to see or hear them).

Until there is some common sense in the future I will skip floating the Elbow unless someone wants to cover the $500 ticket I would get for breaking the rules...floating sponsorship is now open.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Big Balls in Cowtown

So last weekend we (BF and I) went to the Stamps game (for my out of town friends, that is out CFL football team). We sprung for decent tickets on Kijiji which nearly caused a break up (but that's a whole other story) so for once I wasn't going to sit in those brutal bleachers, or worse yet the family section where it's not only alcohol free it's filled with kids who never shut up because a) they are too young to understand what is going on and b) it's way past their bed time but their parents think it is ok because it is summer time.

Anyway, we started at Tipperary's where we grabbed a bite to eat and BF began getting football drunk. Football drunk is way different than hockey drunk (which I will cover sometime during hockey season) mainly because McMahon Stadium doesn't have draft beer, only cans. Bleh. Because of this it was BF's goal to have 5 draft beers before we got there and then 2 at the stadium. He meets his pregame goal and we walked over to McMahon. For those who don't know me, I don't like walking. Ever. I'm a fat girl, and if I could put a moving sidewalk from my couch to the fridge I would (if anyone can make that happen, please let me know!). It's only about 10-15 mins max to walk from the restaurant to the stadium but I bitched the whole way, naturally. And don't worry about BF having to listen to me complain about exercise, he's used to it and just tunes me out - I was fat when we started dating so he knew what he was getting into. Ok, totally got side tracked there...oops! So I've been to a few Stamps games in the past, but I think this is the first time I've ever been sober and there were some things that really took me by surprise. As we got within a few blocks the sidewalks became more crowded with avid face painted cape/flag wearing fans from both teams (The Blue Bombers being the other) and there was excitement about the night to come. This is WAY different from a Flames game where it's usually  3/4 full of corporate drones all trying to impress each other. Also, everyone seems to know everyone - it kind of felt like a church picnic, but with no bingo or potato salad .

We get to our seats and BF hits the beer stand and returns with 2 beers since he's now upped his quota to 1 per quarter...I'm wondering if the lemonade guy will come by for me. As the game goes on, the crowd stays loud (but not obnoxious) and the players are even encouraging the noise. Would that happen in an NFL game? I don't think so. The cheerleader sluts make their rounds (I know I know, they aren't actually sluts, but they are skinnier and prettier than me, so that automatically makes them whores in my book). It's almost half time and BF if going to get his 3rd beer and to get me a lemonade. He's gone about 2.5 minutes and when he comes back he has 2 beers and no lemonade because he "couldn't find the lemonade guy". Oh really? Well I'll tell you where he isn't - at the beer stand! So I get up and who is standing right at the top of the stairs? Mr. Lemonade! Can't find him my ass....

The game goes on, BF's drunk smile gets bigger and I even start to cheer out loud a little bit. In the end the Stamps won and we decide to take the train back (it's only 1 stop) because it is getting a bit dark and we pretty much always think we are going to get robbed for the $12.00 we have. The train platform is packed, as expected, and when the train pulls up everyone pushes to get on. We make it but immediately this chick starts calling me a bitch and going on about how I stepped on her foot (she was wearing flip flops, so I can imagine it hurt. Well, as it happened I didn't step on her foot, we got shoved and someone cut both of us off and stepped on her in the process. She's s going on and on so I snap, and I mean S-N-A-P. I've got lemonade courage and I am not afraid to use it! I tell her exactly what I think of her, call her every name in the book and offered her a kick in the twat to match her her poor little foot. I'm still furious when we get off the train and she happens to get off at that stop as well and actually admits she was wrong, that it wasn't me (I guess one of her friends told her who it actually was) yet she doesn't apologize, she called me a bitch, again. I let another string of unmentionable words go and she decides to walk in the other direction. Why am I sharing this part of the story that makes me look stupid? For exactly that reason - I made myself look like an idiot by stooping to her level and I never should have done that. There is a time to speak up and time to ignore a fat bitch in flip flops and I made a bad choice (even though BF later admitted that he loved how I called her every name in the book right to her face...twice).

So the lesson I learned this week is this - there are assholes in this city and even though I have balls big enough to stand up to them, sometimes I just need to stfu and let it go.