Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The River Nazi's

It's hot and sunny out (in theory) and I want to float the Elbow river (not the Bow, I don't have a death wish).  I do not, however, want to have to wear a life jacket in 6 inches of water - a tube barely has enough room for my fat ass as it is, never mind trying to squeeze a life jacket in there too.

I can't help but wonder, where did this silly bylaw come from? I bet it was spearheaded by some over protective mother whose nerdy kid lost his glasses while playing in the water and he was so scared to go home without them that he nearly drowned looking for them.

I just can't wrap my head around how I can go to Texas, rent a tube from one of a million tube shops (they even come with plastic bottoms so you don't scrape your ass along the way!) take my beer and float and drink all day and no one seems to die like they are sure to in the Elbow if they aren't squished into a life jacket at all times. Have you never floated in Texas? Well, here is what it looks like on a summer day on the Guadalupe river:

Look at all of those people not wearing life jackets an not drowning right before our eyes! They even rent separate, smaller tubes specifically for coolers - no shit! And everyone (or at least one in every group) gets a mesh bag to put their garbage in so the river isn't full of floating trash. Genius!

And now here is a summer day on the Elbow:

Yup, I can see how we are all gonna die right there.

Look, I'm not saying it should be a complete free for all, but what about life jackets for 16 and under? Or even 18 and under? Just let the adults make their own decisions - I don't have to wear my life jacket when I'm in a speed boat on a lake, why do I have to wear one on the dribble river? I'm even fine with the no booze on the water - that definitely cuts down on the jackassery and helps to keep it a family activity (although I hate families and wish we could banish parents and their children to outdoor pools where they can scream and piss in the water all they want and I never have to see or hear them).

Until there is some common sense in the future I will skip floating the Elbow unless someone wants to cover the $500 ticket I would get for breaking the rules...floating sponsorship is now open.

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